I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
