I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
