I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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