made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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