Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
handjob tips. give me some.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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