this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
