it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
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i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
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You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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