Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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