She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
It's shark week go big or go home
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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