I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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