I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
