I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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