she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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