ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
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Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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