A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
