If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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