Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
