So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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