grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
