Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
