so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
