I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
