Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
