i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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