I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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