HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
