Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
