last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize