the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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