Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i love accidental penises.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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