sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
