I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
