I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
