We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
