every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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