thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
