ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
