I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Randomize
