Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Randomize
