Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
