listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
