dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
