Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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