Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
