Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
