Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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