I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
