I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
