Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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