Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I am one with the molecules
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
