apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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