meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I intend to get homeless drunk
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
