If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Randomize
