I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
