Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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