Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
