I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Randomize
