Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
